I have this distinct memory from a day when my kids were about a year old. It was a Friday, a day that I, a freelance writer, didn’t take on any paid work. While my kids napped, I whipped up pumpkin muffins and broccoli fritters, filling my freezer with portioned-out snacks for them. I remember thinking to myself: I haven’t felt this fulfilled in a while. This is where I’m meant to be.
But I immediately found myself wondering if it was okay to feel that way. This was years before the term “trad wife” appeared on social media, and I didn’t have an expression for how I feared the world would have looked at me, barefoot in my kitchen. But, based on the conversations taking place online today, I imagine some would have seen my day of domestic bliss as “trad wife coded”.
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The ‘Girl Boss’ and the ‘Trad Wife’ tropes have a lot in common
Like most millennial moms, I’d entered adulthood with hustle culture loud in my ear. I absorbed the messages I found everywhere—on social media, in my social circles, from my colleagues—that being a good modern woman meant that fulfillment came from a big career. The domestic stuff? That was just…stuff. It couldn’t be what made us feel inspired.
I think that’s why the trad wife trope took off so mightily: Many women, myself included, felt lied to by hustle culture, so we dethroned the #girlboss. In her place, the trad wife ideal bloomed. But what we forget is that both of these ideals have a dark side. They’re often positioned as opposites, but the girlboss and the trad wife ideals essentially do the same thing: They try to convince us that there’s only one path to fulfillment and purpose as a woman…and that if you’re not following that path, you’re doing it wrong.
What is a ‘trad wife’?
But the “trad wife” archetype isn’t just about opting out of the hustle and the desk job, or finding joy in homemaking. “Trad wife” isn’t a lifestyle; it’s an ideology. One that romanticizes the most problematic parts of a bygone era (and blames “feminism” for “ruining everything for women”, a belief I absolutely do not hold). Some of the language trad wife content uses includes themes of subservience to their husbands, for example. Couldn’t be me!
We’ve lost sight of the real danger here. The trad wife movement glorifies a real power imbalance between men and women, both within and outside of the home.
We’ve gotten too comfortable throwing around the term ‘trad wife’
A friend of mine recently joked that she was going to “go full trad wife” by making a pie from scratch. Online, several people call making sourdough bread a “trad wife activity” (which is weird, because my husband bakes the bread in our home). Even famous (and famously feminist) women are being called “trad wives” now when expressing a desire to experience family life or showing an affinity for domestic life.
Even feminist celebs are not immune
See: Meghan Markle (or, as she prefers these days, Meghan Sussex). When her show, With Love, Meghan, dropped, the backlash came instantly. Critics accused her of being out of touch, cooking these gourmet meals in a luxury kitchen, all from a home with a view and a bountiful garden.
On the show, Markle does things that the vast, vast majority of moms with young children simply don’t have the time and resources to even consider doing. It’s okay to point that out. What’s not okay is to thrust the “trad wife” label on her. And yes, people are doing this: Markle was even questioned about this in an interview.
Aesthetically, yes. Her show may resemble what we think of when we imagine trad wife content on social media: Extravagant from-scratch meals and spotless countertops and a woman cooking in a (let’s face it) totally impractical outfit (the way I would destroy those beautiful cream-colored sweaters if I ever tried to wear one within 10 feet of my stove). It’s unfair, though, to pin a label as loaded as ‘trad wife’ on someone with a long history of fighting for feminist causes.
And then there’s Taylor Swift, whose latest album, The Life of a Showgirl, features a track about wanting a “couple kids” and a “driveway with a basketball hoop”. Within a day of the album’s drop, the “trad wife” accusations came. Because apparently, wanting marriage and motherhood and suburbia are all it takes to be considered a trad wife now? Never mind that this is quite literally the self-made billionaire who wrote feminist anthem The Man and included the line “f*ck the patriarchy” in one of her most famous songs.
Trad wives and feminism
Trad wives often place themselves in opposition to “the feminists”, but feminism is the thing that enables the successful trad wife content creators to make money (often a lot of it). Part of the watering down of the meaning of the term “trad wife” comes from the fact that the label is being used to sell a specific lifestyle rather than truly embodying it.
That’s the part of the trad wife trope that deserves criticism, in my opinion. The subservience, the anti-feminist themes—those are not good for women.
Enjoying domestic life does not a trad wife make
But, it’s important to note, some creators (most notably Nara Smith) do the elaborate cooking in their beautiful homes, but don’t spread messaging about a woman’s place being in the home, or feminism being the root of all evil. Yet they’re still frequently lumped in with the “trad wife” label. Smith, for the record, has pushed back on this.
We can’t ignore the privilege of some ‘trad wife’ creators
I get some of the criticism around the domestic labor of it all. Some of these creators make whipping up cereal and snack crackers from scratch look effortless. And Markle and Swift, now in her sourdough era, both have the resources to take on these elaborate kitchen projects that many of us simply can’t fit in. That probably makes a lot of other women, especially moms, feel inadequate. Because let’s face it: Realistically, most days, the broccoli fritters aren’t going to be homemade; they’re going to be frozen. Watching a mom making from-scratch Pop-Tarts with seemingly no effort (or clean up!) can make us feel less than for offering up a packaged after-school snack. And, for the record? I love to cook, but there are always packaged snacks and boxes of mac and cheese in my home.
Trad wife content often dismisses the true labor that goes into maintaining a home, raising children, and feeding a family. It is a lot of work, and it’s work that shouldn’t be exclusively shouldered by women.
“Trad wife content often dismisses the true labor that goes into maintaining a home, raising children, and feeding a family…and it’s work that shouldn’t be exclusively shouldered by women.”
But it’s not anti-feminist to find purpose in domestic work
But it’s also okay for women to admit that they find joy, fulfillment, and purpose in this work. It’s possible, I think, to approach this discussion in a nuanced way: To say that yes, this is work, and yes, the standards are too damn high. But also: Enjoying this work, and finding fulfillment in an ambitious kitchen project, or yes, being a stay-at-home mom—none of those things mean you’re partaking in an Internet sub-culture that is about much more than sourdough starters and homemade jam.
Zara Hanawalt, Contributing Writer
Zara is a twin mom and freelance journalist with over a decade of experience covering parenting, women’s health, and culture. In addition to The Everymom, she’s written for outlets like Vogue, Marie Claire, Glamour, Cosmopolitan, Parents, Shape, Motherly, The New York Times for Kids, What to Expect, and many others. In her spare time, she enjoys reading, cooking, travel, watching TV, and trying new restaurants.
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